Things I Wish I Knew Before Becoming A Mother

It takes a village to raise a child. 

No, seriously. I cannot tell you how true this statement is. Unfortunately, for many new moms, the village may not be easily accessible. Over the years, families have migrated across the country so you may not have relatives near after you give birth or you may be entering motherhood without a life partner. If either of these sound like your circumstances, then you’ll have to find a village. Some of this will happen naturally. You may have friends that become an integral part of your child’s life. Or you may make new mommy friends. Either way, find your tribe. You’ll need one. Not only for the sake of enhancing your child’s life but for your happiness and sanity as well. 

 Motherhood can be extremely isolating. 

Becoming a mother is a life changing event. As such, your relationships will shift. You may even lose some friends. But it’s par for the course. You are literally shedding an old life and stepping into a new one. Like they say, people come into your life for reasons and seasons. You’ll start to notice that those whose season is up in your life will gradually fade into the background. There will be times when you feel alone. But you are not alone. You will start to bond more closely with women who can understand and identify with your new journey. 

 Mom guilt is inevitable. 

Whether you stay at home. Work from home. Or work outside of home, you will experience mom guilt. No mother is immune to it. It strikes at the most peculiar times. You could feel it after you’ve spent a small fortune on your child but see a dress that you’d like to buy for yourself. It doesn’t matter if the dress is only $20. You will guilt yourself into thinking that your child needs that $20 for another toy or something of the sort. You will think to yourself “how dare I even consider buying something for myself”. But let me tell you, SAY EFF THE GUILT AND BUY THE DRESS. Remind yourself when you feel like this that you’ve been doing everything possible to make sure your little one is taken care of, so you DESERVE the dress. Call it a form of self-care. 

Breastfeeding is a marathon, not a sprint. 

Nobody and I mean nobody at all prepared me for the challenges I would face in my breastfeeding journey. I somehow thought it would be easy since everyone seems to do it. But it wasn’t for me. I gave birth to my twins and instantly ran into issue when I realized both were tongue tied and one was also lip tied. It was painful and frustrating. I didn’t feel like I was producing enough milk for both of them and I had no one to ask questions or to at least encourage me. Knowing what a I know now, I’ll say…hire a lactation consultant. Ask all the questions. Seek help when necessary. Join mommy groups to get recommendations on the best pumps. Have the lactation consultant teach you how to hand express. I was green. Very. You don’t have to be. 

 F*ck snapping back. 

Do yourself a favor, beloved. Ignore the societal pressure to “snap back” immediately after giving birth. You just grew and birthed a whole human being. Or if you are like me, two! I know, I know your fave celebs have done it and blah blah blah. Let me tell you something. Your fave celebs are lying. Your fave celebs either had surgery or damn near killed themselves in the gym and practically starved themselves all for the glory of posting a snap back pic on IG. Don’t be that girl. Queen Muva, Beyoncé was over 200 lbs after she gave birth to Rumi and Sir. And guess what she said in ‘Homecoming’? That she pushed herself way too hard trying to lose weight and that she would never do that again. So, don’t worry. Be yonce and give yourself some grace. The weight will come off in due time. For now, focus on adjusting to your new journey and loving on your baby. Believe me, there will be enough to stress about. 

Having a child will make you question all you thought you believed about life. 

I thought I knew for sure what kind of mom I would be before I had children. I thought I knew what my life would look like. I thought a lot of things that quite frankly, make me laugh now. Having children changed my perspective on almost everything. The stakes are higher now, mama. And with higher stakes come a new abundance of caution, a new purpose, and more surprises than you can dream of. So, be open to changing your mind, learning and unlearning things, and evolving past what you previously believed was possible.

 You will have to fight to not lose yourself. 

Motherhood takes so much time and energy that especially during the fourth trimester, that you’ll likely find yourself feeling disconnected from the woman you were pre-motherhood. Let me first tell you, this is normal. But it’s not impossible to get back to her. Start by doing the small things like engaging in a hobby you enjoyed before becoming a mother at least once bi-weekly. Get your hair done or take time out to get your nails done. Work on a passion project. Even if it’s only an hour a week. 

 You will at some point be the mom with the child who is throwing a tantrum in public. 

Listen, I know you think you and your child will be exempt from this. But you won’t be. At some point, your cute adorable baby will turn into the Earth’s most terrifying creature…a toddler. And with their new sense of independence and curiosity for…well, everything. Your toddler will undoubtedly push every limit that you have. So, now is the time to maybe order some patience on Amazon. Preferably in bulk. You’re going to need it. 

The 5 Benefits of Celibacy that can Result in a Better You

When your brain isn’t consumed with thoughts of sex it has the potential to open itself up to a number of ideas, beliefs, and principles that have been kept on the back-burner, including who you want to be intimate with.

Of course, there are a number of reasons why a person becomes celibate in the first place: 

·      It is part of a spiritual or religious journey; 

·      They were burned from previous unsuccessful relationships;

·      Casual sex is no longer as enticing; and/or 

·      Dating someone simply for the pure enjoyment of their company, with little sexual appetite.

Whether you’re 10 months, 10 weeks, or 10 days celibate, you’ll find that your sexual energy can be channeled into a number of other more productive, and possibly even life-changing habits. 

During 1:1 conversations with males and females between the ages of 24-32, I gathered some of the commonly-expressed positive benefits for those who are considering celibacy. These include increased creativity and productivity, learning/relearning habits, and the opportunity to cultivate more meaningful relationships. Through group discussions, we unpacked our experiences around the residual effects that sex had in our lives.

SB: Always do what’s best for you, and remember celibacy is a choice.

Get your creative juices flowing (no pun intended) – 
Researchers suggest that petting an animal, soaking in a warm bathtub, and/or doing yoga are all physical activities that are proven to raise your levels of oxytocin – the same hormone that is released during sexual activity. In the spirit of getting creative, celibacy also quickly forces you to find other ways of being romantic and intimate with your partner.

Focus on relearning who you are – 
We all have that single friend – male or female – who is salty about a relationship that didn’t go the way s/he wanted following an intimate encounter. We’ve all listened to their gripes with the hope that our friend will one day realize that they could easily change their situation by being more selective (unless, of course, you are that friend). 

Despite thinking you can, not everyone can engage in casual sex without suffering negative after-effects. Sometimes being more exclusive is being true to who you are – so be that and don’t apologize for it.

“Oftentimes we get stuck in situations for sexual needs and neglect our values and how we look at ourselves.”

Be more productive – 
In the Global North, we are overstimulated with imagery and constant messaging. Sex is literally everywhere, which can make it a powerful and appealing distraction. Remember that thing you’ve been wanting to do but you just haven’t found the time? Well, now that you’re celibate, you have all the time you need. Go crazy!

Protect your peace –

 There was a survey disseminated by researchers to men and women aged 22-35, who self-admitted to being comfortable engaging in casual sex with no more than 2 different partners in the same time-span. Those who completed the survey indicated that they generally spent considerable amounts of time talking and thinking about their respective partner when they were sexually intimate. Alternatively, the amount of time dedicated to thinking about those partners who they were not sexually active with was significantly lower. Being aware of your thinking patterns often increases the likelihood of being intentional with how your time is spent. In turn, this could result in a reduction of the swarming thoughts in our heads that often feed the anxiety that so many of us battle with.

Develop more meaningful relationships –
When you have the opportunity to trade intimate time for more meaningful moments, you might discover things about yourself and your values. Above all, you can reevaluate how you’ve viewed sex in the past, how you see it as a beautiful aspect of your future, and what selecting a partner looks like without the added pressure of sex.